~ Clearly Muddled Blog ~
2016 went out with a bang. A bang that sounded like a head-on collision.
The next ten minutes was a frantic race to get to the scene of the accident.
Driving was something that the doctors said that Josh would never do. But he was driving, and having nothing to do with Autism, he crashed, head on into another vehicle.
Time went extremely fast and incredibly slow all at the same time. All I could think about was getting to my boy. My man-boy. But he was in the back of an ambulance, and the paramedic said I couldn’t get in there with him. There was a time in my life that when someone told me I couldn’t do something, it became a compulsion, and I had to do it. But I’m a grown-up now. Also, I couldn’t get the door open.
I guess that’s the way it was supposed to be. Amid broken bones, shattered glass, bent metal, and emergency lights flashing, Josh was composed. He was communicating. He did it, without me. Okay, he was in shock, and I was having a meltdown, so that was a total role reversal in and of itself. But, I saw him, and he was reasonable, and handled himself like a mature adult. It doesn’t matter that I know this because I had found my way into the front cab and then squeezed my body through the opening to the back of the ambulance. The point is that he did what he needed to do.
There’s a connection that I have with Josh that’s hard to describe. His state of being effects mine in a way that I have never had with anyone else. We’ve done this dance for years where I try to back off, and then find it necessary to move in and pick up the dropped pieces. But this accident required me to look at myself, and Josh, and realized that it’s time to live differently, and more independently, as much as possible.
I’m Josh’s’ caregiver. That doesn’t change today, or tomorrow, but I see opportunity for the ties that we have created to be loosened as we move forward. First, he heals physically, then we both heal emotionally. It just may work, because the fear of losing him turned into an opportunity to let him go.
Leave us a note if you like this episode! Love to hear from you.
Listen to the Podcast: Josh Has Autism #064: Emergency| http://sonyaking.com/josh-has-autism-064-emergency
Roberta says
Wow! I sure hope you and Josh are feeling better!
You and I have a lot of parallels with our autistic sons, and I continue to get a variety of mixed feelings after reading and listening to your podcasts. I just recently moved to Pensacola a few months ago and Jennifer referred me to you. She and I have been FB friends for a couple of years. We both grew up in San Diego, I was a Navy brat and my family lived in Point Loma. My oldest brother still lives in our family home and has raised his kids and grandkids there, so I have lots of roots still in SD, just felt my 28 year old son, Matt and I needed a break and so we moved here!
But I have to tell you, so much of what you’ve said really resinates with me! OMG! It’s amazing how I can relate to so much, almost everything. And when I heard Josh speaking, it just sounded so much like my son. I got tears to my eyes! My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism when he was 7. Then the IEP’s in school started varying with the special ed. label from, HF Autistic, to Other, then, ADD, then Aspergers Syndrome, then back to Other! Then as he got into his teen years, he started getting combative, then got involved with coping with his issues by drinking alcohol and then marijuana. Then later into his early 20’s, there was a two year period when I had to go into hiding from him because he was getting mean and threatening violence,so even though I plead for days trying to get the system to keep him in a rehab home, they dropped the ball and just let him out onto the street. He didn’t have the skills (who really does?) to properly take care of himself and ended up sleeping in bushes and by the riverbed, then eventually started using Meth by injection. It was very devastating when I heard this from his Father, so I immediately took Matt back into my new home. Yes, we’ve struggled, but it’s been 4 years now and he’s off meth and looks great. Well, other than the fact that we’ve both put on 20 lbs. since we moved here in November. Ugh… Matt did good overall with the relocation but he’s floundering now and I need to get him on SSI. But that’s a story in itself, he was bullied by neighborhood kids growing up, they’d call him retarded because of his autism, so he would never admit to having autism. Just tells people he’s slow because he did too many drugs when he was younger. Now he claims he has Bi-Polar dual diagnosis but I question that! Think he’s confused and maybe in denial of what condition he really has. The problem is, I can’t get him to see doctors, only the ones in ER when he binge drinks due to trying to self medicate when he gets depressed.
It’s involved, but as you well know, all of our lives are involved and just different when dealing with someone who has autism. I just don’t feel like I’m strong enough anymore to properly give him what he needs. He didn’t graduate, nor does he have his GED. He’s never had a job where taxes were taken out, only odd jobs helping people with gardening or moving boxes and furniture during moves. Nothing substantial. He’s never had a drivers license, says he’s just not comfortable driving. He also has PTSD and has Intermittent Explosive Disorder when he gets angry and is around a lot of people or has to wait in lines, etc.
I bought a home over off of Pine Forest and Long Leaf in Pensacola and would love to meet you and Josh sometime! I’d love to pick your brain (so to speak) but am looking for an advocate to help me with Matt so he can either get SSI, or he’d love to get a job. But needs a job that doesn’t have high pressure or demands. But if I could find someone to help me, I’d be so grateful! You don’t even know! His father just gave up on Matt and they don’t currently have any communication. So I have no one and it would just be a blessing to find someone who Matt could talk to, other than just me! He has no friends, and I know that wears on him so deeply! He’s a good looking man too, just has a very low self esteem! And…he absolutely hates me talking to people about him, so it’s a very touchy situation. Like I said, he’s in denial about being autistic because of the stigma! He’d rather say he has bi-polar, but maybe he has both. He does get severe mood swings! He’s like a huge puzzle that is always changing! Does that make sense? I think sometimes I need like an Alanon meeting for parents of children with for Autism or bi-polar! Right?
Sorry this is so lengthy, but hopefully Matt and I will meet Jennifer in person, haha! If so, would love to meet you guys too! Hugs, Roberta